Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Seasons 2-25-2013


I have never had a lot of friends.  I have always believed in quality not quantity, so the friends that I do have I treasure.  I have as I have gotten older found it much easier to make friends than when I was younger.  I don't know if it is easier because I'm not as shy, or if it's that I just don't care what people think of me now.  I'm not trying to impress anyone anymore.  Take me as I am, or don't take me at all.

I think of life as the seasons.  The Spring is our youth, the Summer our young adulthood, the Autumn our mature years and the Winter old age.  I am heading into my Autumn, and enjoying every minute of it.  It's at this time that I have found that I must make myself happy, no one else can do it for me, not even my family.  It's not their job, all they need to do is Love me. 

Our friendships have seasons as well.  Some are there in the Spring, some in the Summer, some in Autumn, and some in the Winter.  Some stay for them all, some only one season or maybe two.  But it is all of them that have helped to shape the person that I am today.  I cannot regret any of them, for even those that hurt, still taught me a lesson.  So it is the saying "Hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me".  That lesson is so hard to learn, especially when you trust people, always looking for the best in everyone.  I have become more cautious, I still trust, but maybe not as openly as before, and of course I am constantly looking for the one that will disappoint.

Life will throw you curves, roll with it and enjoy your seasons.

P. Contreras

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

My Prizes 2-20-2013

It's cold outside and I wish I had a fire going tonight.  Sitting in front watching the flames dance and reflect off the walls.  Warming me from the outside to my inner core.  I love just watching it, so mesmerizing, so calming, lulling you into a trance.  

I've talked to the kids in the last few days, actually I'm trying to listen to them more.  My how old I am, or maybe just how I feel because they are becoming so mature.  They talk to me as if they were adults, oh my gosh, my son is.  I remember holding both of them in my arms just yesterday, where has the time gone.  My son was chasing his shadow in the culdesac as we watched him and laughed, now he is chasing dreams of what he wants to be as a man.  I'm tearing up as I write this, knowing that soon (not too soon, I hope) he will leave the nest and my daughter will be right behind him.

She is so smart, smarter than me and so well adjusted.  She knows exactly what she wants and she goes after it.  She is strong and I am so glad for that.  I have a feeling that she won't let anyone ever take advantage of her, I pray that this is true.  She is so confident in a way that I never was and I am so proud of her, of both of them.  They are my pride and joy and I am so thankful everyday that they are here to lift me up.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Almost 50 2-19-2013

My husband and I went on a motorcycle ride this weekend.  It was so wonderful and I enjoyed it immensely.  But when you're almost 50 a 110 mile ride can wear on that old body of yours.  We stopped and had brunch, enjoyed our alone time together and talked about all the things on our agenda right now.  
Very soon I will be turning 50, doesn't bother me anymore, I think that the 30 and 40 mark bothered me more than 50.  Now I am comfortable in this skin, it is at this point, one of my favorites.  Yes its a little heavier to carry around and of course there are wrinkles, but I have earned every one of them.  From the tears to the laughter that has formed all those lines, they are the map of my life.  And I wouldn't change even one of those paths, no matter how hard it was to go down.  

At 50 and having a 16 and 18 year old can be trying at times, not in a way that hurts, but that I want them to do well so that their lives will be easier, it's a constant battle.  Please don't tell me that you don't remember being those ages, especially 18, when your parents still think of you as their child and the world now see's an adult.  I ache for him to make the right decisions, that only he can make.  I can't make them for him, I can only guide.  Love, life and all the laughter in between lie before him, and I hope that for my children's sake that there is more love and laughter than I had, making his life even more richer than mine. 

Spring is almost here, and just like the seasons of our lives, now it is my sons time to bloom.  I pray that I have watered and fed his mind and soul enough for him to make the difficult choices that life will throw at him and that by the time he is almost 50, he can look back and smile as I am now.

P. Contreras

Friday, February 1, 2013

Insights 2-1-2013

I'm trying really hard to look at myself and really find what I want out of life.  I have for so many years subscribed to what everyone else wanted of me.  I didn't get married too young, I was 26 and I didn't have children until 31.  I think that I am a better parent for it, I am wiser, have sewn my wild oats so to speak, and because at one point didn't even think that I would be able to have children, I adore and respect the idea of it even being possible.

I have always tried to make everyone else happy at the expense sometimes, in the end, of my own.  My mother was not always there, so I am always there for my children.  Her marriages, two of them, both failed.  She married young to my father whom she had to divorce because he was abusing us girls, and married another man who was an alcoholic.  So in my own relationship I try to make my husband very happy.  I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life.  But, what about me!
I used to think that life was perfect, but it isn't and most of the time it is what you make it.  I'm learning that more and more these days and trying to remember that I must make myself happy, I can not rely on every one else to do that for me.  I'm trying different things and writing really helps.  Come along on my journey as I Bloom.